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Archive for May, 2010

WARNING : Extreme blasphemy ahead. Not for children and for people planning to join an organization and who are happy about it. Alcohol and Drugs might be needed to tolerate some words.

Read at your own risk.

And don’t bloody blame me…..

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Sometimes when you are in corporate, you know the big multi-national companies which think that they pay you a lot which they do not really, and expect you to perform miracles for them in work, and that too following concepts like “First-time-right” and “Sense of urgency” and “Continuous Improvement”, you get a lot of shit thrown at you. You know, the big words which all those leaders at the top pass on you, I never quite understood that. I mean those things are definitely important and all, but then i am freaking tired of hearing that stuff over and over again, and that too when I am listening to all that in a 3-hour long “ALL-HANDS” (fancy name for just-another-crappy-meeting)  and I have a deadline to meet in the next one hour. I mean, I just don’t tolerate all that.
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Now, my Organization (i hate to use this word because nothing really is organized, but then its better  than saying company), is having this “Power-of-One” initiative over the span of one or more month . It’s just one of those stupid initiatives that the HR and the Communications Team launch in the organization(again that damn word), to ignite those feelings of unity and spirit and such things among the different cross-functional teams (more crossed than functional) on premises. Of course, its much easy to launch an event than to actually execute it. And that is where we come in. We morons, who are expected to work together(with other morons) to make this event a success for our own team, at the same time meeting all deadlines and continuing to perform miracles at work. The funny thing is, not all morons are engaged. Only those whose names, our bosses remember less for our work done and more for our engagement in any activity that is non-engineering, are chosen. And that is where, I come in.
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Over the last couple of months( more like a year or so), i have been involved more with the communication manager than my own team manager. I mean, we sit, have some chat, crib a lot over useless stuff, have some coffee and sometimes bitch a bit too. You know, productive stuff. We generate ideas and then implement them. Not the sort of ideas my boss would want though. He would ideally want me to design and assemble a full Gas Turbine Panel, all by myself in our lab here in office. I cannot really comment if that’s easy or tough, for I know as much about a gas turbine as a class 2nd student knows about integration and differentiation.

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So when it came to Power-of-one (it’s really weird that a team-event has a name power of one), i was chosen over other morons. I let out a few curses under my breath, as of all the people in the organization, i am the most lethargic and least bothered about all these things. It’s just that people believe that I am the best at it. Which is really strange again. Anywz, so we all meet together to decide what needs to be done. It’s really pathetic how we have meetings for every god-damn thing. And then follow-up emails and follow-up meetings. It really irritates me to the core. I attend the first meeting nevertheless, with the most disinterested of faces though.

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So we had to come up with a series of god-damn events which we can conduct or something, on a given day. The COE Boss (COE is short for Centre of Excellence and it really took me a year to gulp down this fact, am still unable to digest it though), decided to have the event, you know the Power-of-one one, on a friday evening, as he thought people would be free to attend then. The up-side I realized was, for the employees obviously, that they could just leave for the weekend without having to go through the painful rituals of another corporate event. Of course, the homeless could stay behind, and the starved ones could stay back for a free dinner, but that’s more like it. They didn’t realize that, you know. I did, but i was not a smart guy to say it loud. Sometimes, I am a moron. I love being so. Especially at company expense.

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Anywz, So the boss decides that we should all wear the same dress or something on the given day. We said, we all don’t have a common dress. Also in any case 150 people in the same bloody dress, is more like a circus parade or something rather than a team. But the boss thinks that’s unity and all that, you know. I personally wanted it to be a theme party and we could have chosen a beach theme for the summers. But then, corporates cut me out. They never approve of my ideas. Not that i say them out loud. A beach part would have been unity , or whatever the boss wanted. I may be wrong. Who cares.

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Anywz, so the boss decides we should be given shirts to wear on the day. Bloody homeless losers, they jump like jokers at that and then throw the burden of arranging for the shirts on me. I didn’t mind much though, as it was still better than to be actually involved in the god-damn event. But it was still a pain, more when i saw those crazy people in the meeting so excited about the whole god-damn affair. Some of them even have crazy weird voices and all, like rats squealing or something. It just pains my heart when i see these mendicants in such offices.

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Anywz, so i had to arrange for some 150 shirts, 20 odd bags for the girls(who don’t wanna wear shirts. Good decision. I would have taken that too had I been given a choice. But no, men had to look like jokers that day) and some 25 gifts for the losers who would win something that day. Losers so like to win. Give them something and say that they won, and they would be on cloud 9 or something. I frankly don’t care much. I might be a loser too. But I don’t wanna win lame gifts. I think that just makes me a bigger loser. Still, i don’t care. I am not a loser. I might be but i am definitely not.
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So, over the next few days, i contact a vendor for all the above stuff. This vendor is supposed to be an official one, but he gave me such a pain in the ass. Deciding on type of shirt, colour of shirt, logo to be printed, sizes of people who didn’t knew it themselves, type of bags and cheap gifts, getting all these, bargaining, getting quotes, satisfying the bosses and the employees with everything, raising requests from finance, getting approvals, all of this i tell you, it killed me. I enjoyed it thoroughly though. It’s good to do something for the losers sometimes. They get happy and all, you know. Fancy stuff dude, fancy stuff. It still killed me. The vendor was a total ass, and he gave me some real pain in my own ass. And on top of it, I didn’t even care. I think that made things worse. But i thought, even the vendor didn’t care much about us. So, it was just a reciprocated feeling, I guess.

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Anywz, the stuff is all done now. I mean ordering and all that. Hopefully, we will not get the shirts on time, and save ourselves from looking a like total asses for one full day. Its funny though, in a weird way. The event itself is this friday. And am totally not looking toward it. Maybe, I’ll take a half day leave or something. Bloody hypocritice losers. Anywz, i was playing with a few circles on ms paint, and suddenly i came up with this. Thought I would share it with you.


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NOTE: This post is meant as a satire to the above-mentioned event and other such corporate events. Please don’t take it personally and take offence. It might not be an actual indication of things as they are.

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LOVE, this 4 letter word has eluded me the most in this world. I know, it would be a bit weird for you guys, hearing me speak about love and such serious stuff, when all I have done throughout my blog, is make you laugh with nonsensical humour which all of you appreciate like foreigners appreciating the Taj Mahal in India, without quite comprehending the emotions or anything behind it really. But I have always written what I felt like writing, even when someone said to me, “Hey Dude, write on this topic” or  “Hey, I want you to describe this event in my blog, it’s just so awesome”  or “Hey, you write good, why don’t you promote my company?”. And so shall I do now. Although believe me, it’s not such a boring topic actually. Bear with me, I would say. All the good things come to those who wait, they say. Of course they also say that all the better things would have already gone by then. But still, bear with me.
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When I was a child,I had a feeling that LOVE was what you get from your parents when you stood first in class. Whenever you stood first in class, you would get whatever gift you would wish for. If it was outside budget, you would have to throw in some tears and tantrums, but you got it nevertheless. You even got a dinner outside. Of course, standing third in class would never do the same thing because then you know,  you would have scope for improvement and all, and LOVE would diminish. So, for the first 18 years of life, LOVE had a totally different meaning for me. Academics took precedence over everything else and there was no time to understand LOVE of any other type. Friends, girl friends, stupid yet precious relatives, all took the back seat. Till, I entered college.
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College for me was the definitive life changing phase that i went through. Not because I was independent of sorts for the first time in life. Which I obviously was in college. And that gave me the time and energy to delve into the other meanings of  LOVE. You see, when you have been in the same school for 12+ years, its more like a family. So when you leave this large family and go to college, there are strings attached. You remember your stupid school friends. You remember the girls you spent time with in school. You remember that one particular girl in school, whom you loved. But life moves on in the same old way. And now you are suddenly in the midst of this weird group of students from all corners of the damn country. It’s the same feeling for the other student too, I bet. It’s really surprising, how all of us think our own lives are so different and unique from everyone else’s, while it’s actually more or less the same as everyone. The characters are different, but the plot is mostly the same.
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Anyways, so you soon get over the girl you loved in school. The girl who loved you in school, must have done the same. So you soon start looking out for new people. Soon you go out on dates. Soon you are wooing the stupid college girls. It’s that silly college love thing you know. We all fall in love with someone or the other in college. Although we just think, thats love. Of course, a lot of dates turn out to be disasters. A lot of affairs are whirlwind romances, beginning each semester and ending before you even pass the semester. Some turn out to be good friends though. Some not so good friends. It’s the whole college thing you know. Very Very typical. It’s all stupid. What’s not stupid is the fact that we somehow ,almost never realize the one who actually loves you and whom you should actually have loved. It’s all stupid. Also ironical. But all in all, you never said “I LOVE YOU“, enough to all those who really mattered to you, and made your college life what it was.
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After 4 years of paid holidays, in which you also learn something, lessons in life and all, you come out of college into what they call the real world. The ruthless, merciless, world where every man is for himself. That’s where i am presently. And its lonely out here, I know for a fact. Mostly the nights you know, when you get weird thoughts in your head, and you write such stupid stuff that you all are reading presently. Anywz, it is in this peace of the night, i realize, that i didn’t say those three magic words enough. And i feel, life could have been different if i would have done that more.
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I never said, “I LOVE YOU” to my mom, when I said good-bye to her, while leaving for college. Instead i chose, just standing there, a model of self-control and all, trying to show no emotions at all. It was very childish. I mean, not saying those words to my mom. I should have said that, at that moment.
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I never said, “I LOVE YOU” to the girl I liked in school. I should have. I kept on thinking, i would say this after this exam, or after that exam, or on the last day of school, or in the school farewell party. And i never said it. I just never did. I just didn’t have the guts. Or the right sense. Now, all of you reading this blog, don’t you ask who that girl was. It was just a childhood love and i am very sure, that all of you must have loved someone at that stupid age. What i am saying is, i didn’t say those 3 words. I didn’t say I LOVE YOU to someone whom i should have, just to tell out my feelings and all you know. Neither did I say, I LOVE YOU to any of my friends back in school. I think I should have.
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In college, I never said “I LOVE YOU” to the girl I first dated. I should have. I mean not as in I LOVE YOU and I-WANT-TO-SPEND-MY-LIFE-WITH-YOU kinda way. But just as a mark of affection. The first date was a huge disaster in any case. Don’t ask me the story. I’ll tell, when I want to tell. But I was also a huge jack ass for I didn’t even tell I LOVE YOU to the girl I actually loved. That also was a huge disaster you know.
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But the worst part is, I never said “I LOVE YOU” to the friends i had my life. I should have you know. Maybe that is why i never got those 3 magic words myself. I mean, nobody said that to me too. And that is what made me realize how important those damn words are. Those three words said by anyone, can mean the world to a person. It makes a person feel wanted, loved and good. He may be the worst person on earth, and an epitome of evil, but those 3  magic words said to him, makes him feel good for an instant. It’s that powerful you know. Too powerful.
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So, I said a lot of stuff up there. What I really meant, as soon as you stop reading this god damn post, don’t just drop a comment and say good-bye. Of course, comments are welcome. In fact compulsory. But what i really urge, is go and say those 3 god dam magic words, to all those people who have made a difference in your life. I know, there are a lot of such people. And each of them, deserves to be told I LOVE YOU. I bet, you’ll feel good just saying so, and so will the other person. So say it to your mom. Say it to your dad. Say it to your friend from school or college, whom you have forgotten now.
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And most importantly, say it to all those around you, who mean to you. Who lighten up your day. Who care for you.

Who are making a difference in your lives right now. You might not get a oppurtinity to say it to them later on. So go on and say it. Trust me on this, you will feel good. Give a nice warm hug to all of them and say those three magic words, sincerely. For anyone in this world, that the best feeling one can ever have. And then, those 3 magic words will come back to you and make you feel good too. It’s really a stupid thing to do, but sometimes stupid things make more sense than all the intelligent things you know. Its the god-damn human heart you know. Its really pathetic, in that sense.
Oh, and btw, I LOVE YOU all too, all my readers of this blog. Thanks for your patience and all you know, if you have read this whole long post. Have thrown in a few random pictures too, just to stress out what i said.

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Well, decision making is an art. An art, which everybody has to learn, sometime or the other. For at every turn of life, we need to make decisions. Life is full of tough decisions to make. Decision to choose betwen heaven and hell. Decision to chose between heaven and a  better heaven, or hell and a deeper hell. All those decisions are tough, and ordinary mortals like us, are often not capable of making those decisions. Of course, we learn. The wise ones learn from the mistakes of others, while the fools learn from their own mistakes, but we all learn nevertheless……….the art of decision making.

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And one such difficult decision is how to chose an appropriate gift for a person. More so, when its a collective gift given by a bunch of friends to one single individual, who is giving a party to the bunch of hungry shameless idiots , for his newly done-and-over-with marriage. Trust me, its tough. Even for me who is generally believed by ‘many girls’ as to having a certain degree of domain-expertise in the art of gift giving. Its still tough, even by my standards.

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So when Abdur da got married (an office friend cum mango-chachu cum mentor cum party buddy) , and he decided to give us a lunch party, at a famous restaurant in city, the inevitable question came up. “What should we gift the married couple ?”.

And this was how we decided. We forwared chain mails with this agenda. I’ll give you a sneak peak into the chain mail conversation that flooded the company mailboxes yesterday afternoon.

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Mail to all who were invited ( Me,  Shital ,  Gupta Prashant ,  Suman , Sohom ,  Prasanth , Rupali , Nitika , Radhika ,  Gaurav , Prakash , Kafilul , Sangram , Chirag , Bishu )

Shital : Hello ppl…Think fr the gift today only ….

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Reply-all by all those who got the above message.

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Sohom : How about some assorted gifting…….Say a good bouquet, a big card, some plant pots for room decor,
dinner/tea set,  purses for both, decorating sculpture…….

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Gupta : Well that seems to be a nice idea but problem is that these items are highly personalised. It depends on their liking…

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Suman A suitcase, he is going france on this official trip.

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Shital : Shut up!

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Gupta : Yaar I guess here is the list:
1. Dish TV.. Nice option, they anyway need it.
2. Any kitchen item.. Food processor, mixer grinder etc..
3. Crockery set.
We cannot give gas stove as he has to buy it anyway whenever he gets  govt. gas connection, so it will be a  waste. I guess I summed it all, no personalized gifts I guess is a better option.

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Shital : No I didn’t like the dish tv idea..it wont last forever… I m really sorry 2 the idea generator.

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Me : How about a PS2. They both can play with it. Later on their kids will play with it too.

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Gupta : PS2, why will they play PS2 when they got better things to do.

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Me : Even then, a PS2 is a good idea. We can also play it sometimes, when we visit them.

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Shital : Shut up. I guess anything related to kitchen ware seems 2 b gud…
IPOD and all it depends whether they really use it to the fullest…
Decorating stuff depends upon the home interiors…abt which we r totally unaware…..

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Me : All you girl want stupid kitchen stuff……. Lets give something cool…….like a PS2 maybe . Ok, I have no idea what I am saying here…….  🙂

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Bishu : Choose anything good stuff yaar and pls don’t reply to all.
Please contact Pagi(Prashant).
Thanks

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Me ALL THE GIRLS PLEASE GO SHOPPING TODAY/TOMORROW AND GET WHATEVER YOU WANT….
AND PLEASE DON’T TAKE BOYS WITH YOU
YOU KNOW WHY…
REGARDS AND BEST WISHES….

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Chirag : Kaam dhaam nahi hain kya!!!
Pls do not reply all !!!!
Instead have a group chat on SAMETIME ….
Decision will be quicker and may be unanimous ( very less probability by seeing such variety of ppl there)

End of chain mail.

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The chai mail method failed. It was a lot fun thought. But we were still undecided. So, we then started a group chat on sametime with the same agenda. The idea of having a physical meeting was thought of, but the wise men of the group thought that it could be a case of violence at workplace in the end, and so decided to have a group chat.

Meeting Attendees : Me , Prashant Gupta , Prasanth Sivaprasad , Sangram , Shital , Suman.

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Gupta : Lets discuss the gift to be given, once and for all.

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Me : Hello, bhai logon!

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Suman : Ashim, mere bhai , kitne dino baad mil raha hai.

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Me : Suman, mere bhai. Bachpan me kumbh ke mele me khone ke baad, aaj mila hai tu. Am close to tears.

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Suman : Kaisa hai re tu?
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Gupta : Abe, tum log BC band karo.

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Prasanth : What’s goin on?

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Gupta : So as we were saying, we shud give that dish TV set connection with 3 years of bangla channel subscription, to abdur da as gift.

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Shital : Its fine….from my end.

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Me : What end, shital has no end. Shital is endless.

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Suman : I agree with ‘Mirror99’….Shital is endless.

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Sangram : Lets Vote.

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Gupta : Maybe , thats a good idea. Lets vote.

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Sangram : Vote for……”Shital is endless”

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Me : Count me in, one vote from my side for ‘Shital is endless’

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Suman : I agree ….One more vote for ‘Shital is endless’

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Shital : All you guys, just go to hell.

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Gupta : Bakwaas band karo tum logo.

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Me : Shital , suna tune…bakwaas badn kar.

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Shital {in a separate chat with me} : abe oye, seedhe se baat kar tu.

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Prasanth : Jab shopping pe jaana ho to mujhe bata dena. Time waste mat karo abhi mera.

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Me : Send shital for shopping.

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Shital : I don’t have any problem with that.

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Me : alone, without any boys

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Suman : I agree, send shital for shopping.

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Sangram : Vote for…’Send Shital for shopping”.

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Me : Count me in, one vote from my side for that.

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Suman : I agree, One more vote for ‘Send Shital for shopping’

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Shital : I have no problems, At least i will bargain.

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Me : You should get at lease 2000 off on whatever you get.

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Shital : Give me your car keys and your credit card then.

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Me : Prasanth, give shital your car keys and Gupta, give her your credit card.

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Gupta : Tum log, bakwaas band karo aur decide karo , else i am off.

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Sangram : Shital, you will get salary today, why do you need Gupta’s credit card ?

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Me : Yes, shital will be ameer today.

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Suman : Yes, i agree. Shital will me ameer today.

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Sangram : Lets vote for …’Shital will be ameer today’

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Me : Count me in, one vote from my side for that.

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Suman : I agree, One more vote for ‘Shital will be ameer today’

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Gupta : Haramkhoro

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Shital : Go to hell, when you need me, you will come to me.
Gupta offline
Shital offline

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Sangram : I need to go. Weekly team meeting.

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Me : Abe yeh to batao, ki decide kya hua?

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Suman : I agree….yeh to batao ki decide kya hua ?

Me offline
End of chat.

So after two days of email conversations, cafeteria gossips and group chats, we were still undecided. The party is tomorrow. So a gift has to come. The decision has to be made. Its a tough one to make.

Reminds me of the story i once read in school….”The magi, as you know, were wise men–wonderfully wise men–who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days let it be said that of all who give gifts these two were the wisest. O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the magi. “.

What i really wonder is, did the magi, what with the wise people they were, did they have the same problems as us.

I wonder….

About the Gift of the Magi……

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