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Archive for March, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Employee Class of 2011,

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Drink coffee. If I could offer you one tip for the future, coffee would be it. The long term benefits of coffee have been proven by scientists, engineers and countless HR managers who gave up their lives in search of healthy office food. Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

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Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind, you won’t understand the power and beauty of your youth unless you have been working for 18 hours a day for 18 straight days without any break, but trust me in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you could have been if the background of at least a few of those pictures weren’t the office cubicle. You are fatter than you imagine.

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Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to meet a deadline which should ideally take 10 people 10 days, all by yourself. The real troubles in your life are the ones which are outside the office walls: the kind that blindsides you at 11 pm while returning home from office. And they will never be solved by sitting in front of a computer, and will always involve other people. And people are unpredictable sons of bitches.

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Do one thing every day that scares you. Make an excuse and don’t go to office. Or bunk office to watch a movie.

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Sing. Sing your own praise. Sometimes that’s needed in your organization. But sing well.

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Don’t be reckless with other people’s work; don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.You never know, when the work might be of use to you.

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Jog.

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Don’t judge yourself by how much money you make. Someone you know is always making more than you. (And no good comes from knowing who that is.)

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Record all the review comments you ever get in your career. Especially the inaccurate, pointless, biased and vague bits that made you wanna kill the reviewer. This will help you when you eventually review somebody yourself.

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Keep a copy of all your old resumes. When you are stuck in a deep existential crisis of faith, flip through them in chronological order. Do the same with resignation letters.

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Decide.

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Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.  People who kept thinking what they were meant to do in their life, never really did anything. You will find various amounts of meaning and satisfaction in various things. Choose your compromises wisely.

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You’ll like the job a little better if you like the office food.

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Take chances when you’re young, single and don’t have loans to repay. You’ll take larger chances when you become a manager or the president. Large chances are more fun than small ones.

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Be nice to people for the heck of it.

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Maybe you’ll retire when you’re 45, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get an 20 year outstanding service Award, maybe you won’t. Maybe you will marry the office hottie, maybe you won’t. Whatever happens, do not forget those probability lessons they taught you in school. Things tend to even out.

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Whatever you do, don’t forget to party once in a while. But don’t party too much. Your money can be saved for better things, and so can be everybody else’s.

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Dance. But keep it classy. And not when you are in the office party. Chances are your dead nanny could dance better.

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Read the directions (even if you don’t follow them). You never know, when you might be charged for using illegal softwares on your office machine.

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Avoid reading engineering or business books. However feel free to write them.

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Get to know your parents; they will always be better than your bosses.

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Understand that colleagues at work come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to  stay in touch with them, because the more experienced you get,the more you need these people for forwarding your resumes.

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Travel light. Don’t be ashamed to ask the company president to give you a lift home.

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Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, and your salaries would not in the same proportion. You too will get old; and when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, and your salary could have been better and you could have saved money for a house.

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Don’t expect your organization to support you. Maybe you have a life insurance, maybe you’ll have a wealthy wife, but you never know when either one might run out.

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You will most certainly face difficult choices. In most cases it helps to think of what choice maximizes output and minimizes efforts, instead of agonizing over issues like quality.

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Invest in a good suit, pair of shoes and get a shave. Thanks to society’s shallowness, your return on investment will be considerable.

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Calm down.

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Let people give you advice. Develop the art of looking interested even if you are not. Pay attention to advice from people who have a stake in your happiness, and not a stake in your success.

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Please stop listening to Pink Floyd. You are not in college anymore.

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But forget everything else.

Quickly go get a cup of coffee.

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P.S. I know you’re thinking that this is a complete rip-off and I am merely doing this to update the blog without actually putting in any effort into writing an original post. You are thinking very correctly.

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P.P.S. However when i read this again, its not as bad as it looks. Plagiarism be damned.

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Also listen to

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ

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