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Archive for August, 2014

 

Well, i guess you all enjoyed my last post. It was me rambling about life after marriage and all that. When you start watching episodes of “Qubool Hai”, “Kitni Mohabbatein”, “Ek Hasina thi”, “Kumkum bhagya” and what all, it gets tough for the mind to differentiate between reality and virtual-reality. So now when you open the door for your wife, you do it like three times, and feel strange that there is no background score. Now when your wife tells you something, you ignore it oirst attempt, because you think in your mind..”oye chill yaar, ad break ke baad repeat karenge fir se”. And you expect a thrilling suspenseful background music, when your “saali” calls your wife, and tells, “…aaj pata hai kya hua..”. The real problem in life is that it does not have any background music.

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But this is not what i am here for today. Today, after a few peg too many of that last remaining Old Monk Gold Reserve, what i really wanted to spill out was the unusual story of my wedding. Ji Haan, meri shaadi ho chuki hai, aur meri ek pyaari si honhaar aur susheel biwi bhi hai. To those of you, who feel that this is a repeated statement, remember that you too shall be married, and i too shall laugh then. What goes around, comes around ( i never quite understood the real meaning of this statement, but bolne me accha lagta hai).

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Waise to meri shaadi…sorry hamari shaadi ki kahaani, is like any other wedding. For details of the marriage, you can watch the video that we have. Its a long painful video, watching which can be more painful than the real thing. I mean its got all the people in it who are eating their heart out at other’s expense, its got the dancing people, and a shit load of other trivial details, which when you see now you think…”uiee maa, yeh sab kab hua”. Anyways, for this piece, i would just go over the top few crazy items that happened at the wedding, over the course of around 15 days.

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1) Kissa Train ke dibbon ka
Well it so happened, that we (the groom side) were all accumulated in the city of Kanpur. The wife side was in Nasik, some 1100 kms away. We were 12 brave souls who had voluntarily agreed to go on to this mission to bring the girlfriend back as the wife. It was not as easy as it seems, so don’t think so. Ab 12 log flight me to nahi jaa sakte (simply too expensive), so we had booked 12 seats in a train, woh bhi sleeper class me. Now they say its sleeper, but sometimes, sleeping in a sleeper is itself a battle. The problem was 6 of us were in S10 and six remaining were in S12. My uncle, who loves his wife a tad too much, took the lead and arranged us in battle formations on the platform. “Aisa hai beta, tum, tumhare papa, unke dost aur badi mausiji…aap log S10 ki line banao, aur chunni-munni ki mummy, tumhare bua ji log aur choti mausi aur unki beti, idhar S12 waali line me aa jaao. Mere peeche rehna, aur sab theek se chad jaayenge. Samaan bhi divide kar lo do group me”. I was like, “Uncle, paani le lete hai pehle”, to which he gives me a look as if i was breaking his formation and the entire mission was doomed thereafter.

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Anyways, the train came, and we were able to board the jam-packed train, thanks to our pre-train exercise. But the two groups were cut off for the night thanks to a hostile bunch of people in every nook and corner between S10 and S12. The blankets were in S12, so the S10 guys (which included me) had to sleep in the November cold without cover. The small bottle of Royal Stag was also left in S12, any attempts to retrieve it were largely unsuccessful. The next day, in total contrast was hot enough to make us forget about last night’s cold. Uncle had called “chunni-munni” ki mummy at least 10 times by the next noon. Eventually we reached though. We also ate the famous bananas of Bhusaval, but we had to survive on a strict diet of just food and water. This was just the beginning of a long mission.

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2) Kissa toote hue car seat ka
Well, the wedding in Nasik happened to be pretty uneventful. The pre-engagement party , the pre-sangeet party, and the pre-marriage parties, were all immensely fun with all my friends around. For a moment i thought, “yeh to main roz kar sakta hoon”. Scary thought that was. Anyway, so the marriage was done, and we came back by train to Kanpur. This time the seats were in AC, and we did not allow aunty to talk to uncle so much over the phone, so everything was pretty calm. Problems surfaced next day, when we arrived in Kanpur.

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Apparently mom had booked the “shaadi waali car” for the next day onward. So, there was no car available for that day. And, me and my wife had to enter the house , fully dressed as wife and groom. And there was no car. Ab biwi ko auto me to nahi laa sakte ghar, izzat ka maamla tha. So, me and my bhai, we go out in search of a car. Now this being the marriage season, getting a car for hire was like was almost as impossible as  getting sharhrukh to dance at your wedding. After about an hour of effort, we could find get a maruti omni van, which after dropping the school kids, was going for another assignment. We stopped the car, gave him some money and captured it for the next half hour. So, finally, me and my wife , fully dressed in sherwani and lehenga, along with my mausiji and chachiji and god knows who, stuffed inside that car, started for our home.

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Now it still not clear, that whether the weight was too much or the seat was faulty, but no sooner than the car started, the seat that me and my newly-wed wife were sitting, collapsed on the car floor with a huge thud.  It took us a while to realize what had happened. We were fully dressed, the car was moving at a frantic pace and was stuffed to the brink. So we could only manage to sit there on the car floor, till we could reach our home. At home, only after performing all puja and stuff, we could board down from the car. It was pretty embarrassing, with all the neighbours looking into the van for the newly-wed “bahu” only to find the “pati-patni” sitting on the car floor in a broken seat.. I quickly stuffed a 500 in the driver’s pocket, asking him to stop giggling and repair his car seat. Main nahi chahta tha ki yeh haadsa kisi doosre couple ke saath bhi ho.

To be continued…

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revital-293x300It is said that inspiration can be a great thing. It can make people endure pain, leap over obstacles and
do incredible stuff like climb the Everest, swim across the English Channel or sit through “Qubool hai” ( Its one of the numerous soap operas that run on colors or zee or star plus or some such channel i don’t remember exactly now). So, today after watching 3 episodes of “Qubool hai” on TV, i have found my inspiration to come back to this dark and dusty place, and write some bit.

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I know that the last post i wrote was way back in May 2013, and even that was just a lame-ass attempt to make fun of my own wife , at my own risk. The only comments that i see now on the side of this blog seem to be spammers who seem to love everything i once coughed up in those early morning hours of drunken stupor, and nothing made much sense at all. Sometimes i wonder if they are just coded messages , trying to sell me something. Maybe the CID can help me with that. They have that software called Neuro, which has a database of all known criminals. Maybe that might be of some help. Holy fucking crap, i have been watching too much of that TV.

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But then, inspiration to write can often be like Salman Khan’s Revital. No one believes in it, but people still try it out. So, i realized that it is my duty to share with mankind, things which can help them gear up for the biggest challenge of their lives – Being Husbands. Being Human is easy – you just buy a Salman Khan T-shirt. Being Husband – well that even Salman could not master.
A word of caution though, practice everything i preach, at your own risk. The Indian Marital Research Center after 23 years of research, could not satisfactorily prove that what works in one household, will work in other household equally.

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GuideLine 1: Never forget to make the bed.
Long time ago, when i used to be a bachelor, making the bed was a task just like taking a piss. You did it, only when you needed to, and not out of habit. Arre jab raat ko usi bed me wapas jaana hai, to theek karne ki kya zaroorat. That’s like logic. Even CID would agree to that, hai na. But NO. Once you are married, making the bed is something you are expected to do every morning after getting up. Don’t do this, and your sanskaars will be questioned. This is a sin, an absolute “gunaah”. And “gunaah” we all know is a greater thing than “paap”. And “paap” is asking you wife to do so.

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GuideLine 2: Never ever argue with the Wife.
Well, this is looks like a vague statement, but trust me it is not. For all discussions with a wife, are actually arguments. And in arguments at home, the winner has to be the wife always. You see, men have this stupid tendency to think over a matter practically and logically. This they realize after a marriage is totally over-rated. Logic and practicality are not the deciding points in any argument. It is the wife. So, you can speak all you want, but you cannot win. You cannot shout though, because that’s her right. You cannot throw things at her too, because that also her right. As men, the only right you have is to present your points in a gentle voice and then shut the hell up and listen. Listen but please, for if you don’t do that, it can lead to a secondary argument which totally deviates from the primary argument , till you start wondering ki “lad kis baat pe rahe the hum ??”.

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GuideLine 3: Nothing comes in between the wife and her serials.
People don’t often come to terms with this fact. But it is actually a blessing for the husbands. It is the only time of the day (except when you are in office), when you can do whatever you want. You can eat what you want (secretly). You can watch what you want (secretly on your laptop). You can even sleep peacefully if you want. They wouldn’t notice. The “shaajish” happening on “Kitni Mohabbatein” is much more engrossing for any of your tantrums. Come to terms with this, and you will be happy everyday. Plan your life around that, for a happier, more meaningful and satisfying life.

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GuideLine 4: Show some bloody care/emotions.

I know that you all do love your wives a lot. You endure shopping sprees with her, you endure emotional hindi-movies with her when all you want is the hero to punch the villain as hard as he can, and all because of your endless “pyaar” for her. But you will realize after marriage is that pyaar is an abstract thing. You feel it, but you need to show it too. So, if she does get a minor cut on her finger accidentally, what is important is that you show some emotions, shed a tear or two, maybe wash the cut with your tears too if possible. Just getting the band-aid is not enough. Maybe order her favorite food to afterwards just to make everyone happy. Likewise, if she does bump her car/bike, do not simply ask about the bike first. Its about her first, even is she is perfectly fine. Go ahead and shed a few tears. Later order some of her favorite food , just to make everyone happy.

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Well, likhne ko to bahut kuch hai abhi bhi. But as you know, the more you endure, the more you learn. So, i will stop now. I am willing to give more lectures over more secured channels like a public STD booth (not on mobile,whatsapp or gmail chats, they are all not secure as the world thinks they are). But just in case this piece of blog is ever produced in a court of law, save yourself the trouble. Yeh sab to maine aise hi timepass ke liye likh rakha hai (as i was really bored in office). I am drenched in marital bliss, and my wife doesn’t have a problem with making beds, cares a hoot about any argument, loves me more than her serials and is always understanding of my emotions. It’s all good. Shaadi-shuda zindagi maze me chal rahi hai, aap logo ki dua se. Dua rahi to aage bhi chalti rahegi, and i will write more…

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“Laal mere dil ka haal hai….lagta tumpe kamaal hai “….

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